Is Porn Bad for Your Sex Life?

Porn. As long as there have been people, we’ve been looking for ways to capture arousal and store it for future use.

 

Think about it – there are surviving neolithic cave paintings of sex. The preserved ruins of Pompeii are full of erotic art. When photography was first invented, it didn’t take long before we were photographing sex.

 

All that said, one wonders what our early human ancestors would have made of countless, constantly available, and endlessly novel high definition video of most any sexual act one can imagine. Ours is an era of abundance in arousal stockpiling.

 

We experience a total embarrassment of riches when it comes to capturing human sexual expression on film.

 

Given that we’re quite a long way from using primordial sex sketches on cave walls to pass the time, it’s normal to wonder if porn could be a bad thing. This is new and unprecedented. What might the consequences be?

 

Is porn bad for your sex life?

 

I come down on the side of being rather enthusiastically pro-porn, provided that all performers are compensated for their labour and are consensually performing. Do I think some porn is better than others? Yes, for sure.

 

Do I think porn can cause you problems? Yes, for sure.

 

But I do not believe it is something immutable about the medium – I think it’s about a lack of proper context and a disconnection from the body during arousal.

 

First things first – porn is fantasy fuel. Porn is a movie. Porn is not real – it’s scripted (LOL), directed, and acted. You only ever see what the director wants you to see in porn sex and that is important.

 

Porn is less like sex and more like Jurassic Park.

 

Jurassic Park scared the shit out of me when I was 9 years old. My older cousin who was babysitting me during a bout of Jurassic Park nightmares explained to me that even though the dinosaurs looked real, and the people looked scared, it was all just playing pretend. The dinosaurs were robots and the people were still alive.

 

It’s extremely important to keep this in mind any time you are engaging with porn.

 

The second really key thing is that, if you’re not careful, porn can disconnect you over time from your bodily sensations linked to sexual pleasure.

 

Think about it – if you’ve got your eyes glued to a screen, and your hand is out there somewhere else on your genitals, the fixation on strong and graphic visual stimulation can dull out the exquisite detail of the sensations of sexual stimulation.

 

I talk about how to counter both of these – context and disconnection from the body – in relation to porn in a recent YouTube video. Check it out!

 

 

When it comes to porn, I say this: Enjoy responsibly! Emphasis on the enjoy.

 


ACTION FOR THE WEEK: Have a go with the tip that I give in the YouTube video – try out watching porn without self-stimulation, then turning it off and moving to a different location to masturbate, replaying the parts that you liked within the cinema of your own mind. Fair warning – this can be really weird and frustrating the first couple of times you try this, so I suggest making 3 attempts on different days over the course of this week. How was it for you? Did it become more enjoyable with practice, or was it still about the same? What did you like about this exercise? What didn’t you like about this exercise?


 

Context, as we’ve just been talking about, is extremely important to dating, sex, and relationships. It’s part of why the best I am able to do, without knowing about the individual context of your life, is to offer general information and suggestions. Beware anyone that promises you the world without knowing in more detail about the context you are operating in.

 

Having this grasp on our lives and the world in which we live – what is going on, what has happened when – is also key to how we stay grounded, and this information guides our behaviours and helps us take action.

 

So, what happens when someone we are in a relationship with causes us to doubt our own understanding of reality and events? What can this do to us?

 

This phenomenon – gaslighting – is where one person deliberately attempts to cause another to doubt their experience of reality. The intent behind gaslighting is to cause someone to feel like they are losing their mind.

 

Gaslighting is a dangerous and serious form of abuse.

 

Dr Valeria Chuba and I spent an episode of the Get Sex Smart podcast unpacking what gaslighting is, discussing the tell-tale signs and red flags that this may be happening to you or someone you know, and what you can do if you think you’re a target of gaslighting.

 

You can listen to this episode here.

 

If you are able, please do share this podcast episode with friends, community groups, and anyone that you think may benefit from this information. The first step in addressing this form of abuse is to be aware that it exists.

 

If you have any burning questions related to dating, sex, and relationships, don’t forget to share them below!

Feeling shy? You can always send the questions in complete confidence to sarah@goodsexlifestyle.com. I read every email, and your question may be answered in an upcoming post, video, or podcast!

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By | 2018-11-26T18:25:05+00:00 November 27th, 2018|Blog|0 Comments

About the Author:

I’m not just another dating coach. I’m a Certified Sex Coach, Clinical Sexologist, and all-around Sex Nerd. I’ve built my private sex coaching practice by helping men like you, the shy Good Guys, go from being forever in the friend zone to achieving the abundance in sex, dating and relationships that you REALLY want.

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